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Strengthening Your
Child's Self-Esteem
Most parents want their young children to have a
healthy sense of self-esteem. That desire can also be
seen in education--schools around the country include
self-esteem among their goals. Many observers believe
that low self-esteem lies at the bottom of many of
society's problems.
Even though self-esteem has been studied for more than
100 years, specialists and educators continue to
debate its precise nature and development.
Nevertheless, they generally agree that parents and
other adults who are important to children play a
major role in laying a solid foundation for a child's
development.
What Is Self-Esteem?
When parents and teachers of young children talk about
the need for good self-esteem, they usually mean that
children should have "good feelings" about
themselves. With young children, self-esteem refers to
the extent to which they expect to be accepted and
valued by the adults and peers who are important to
them.
Children with a healthy sense of self-esteem feel that
the important adults in their lives accept them, care
about them, and would go out of their way to ensure
that they are safe and well. They feel that those
adults would be upset if anything happened to them and
would miss them if they were separated. Children with
low self-esteem, on the other hand, feel that the
important adults and peers in their lives do not
accept them, do not care about them very much, and
would not go out of their way to ensure their safety
and well-being.
During their early years, young children's self-esteem
is based largely on their perceptions of how the
important adults in their lives judge them. The extent
to which children believe they have the
characteristics valued by the important adults and
peers in their lives figures greatly in the
development of self-esteem. For example, in families
and communities that value athletic ability highly,
children who excel in athletics are likely to have a
high level of self-esteem, whereas children who are
less athletic or who are criticized as being
physically inept or clumsy are likely to suffer from
low self-esteem.
Families, communities, and ethnic and cultural groups
vary in the criteria on which self-esteem is based.
For example, some groups may emphasize physical
appearance, and some may evaluate boys and girls
differently. Stereotyping, prejudice, and
discrimination are also factors that may contribute to
low self-esteem among children.
How Can We Help Children Develop a Healthy
Sense of Self-Esteem?
The foundations of self-esteem are laid early in life
when infants develop attachments with the adults who
are responsible for them. When adults readily respond
to their cries and smiles, babies learn to feel loved
and valued. Children come to feel loved and accepted
by being loved and accepted by people they look up to.
As young children learn to trust their parents and
others who care for them to satisfy their basic needs,
they gradually feel wanted, valued, and loved.
Self-esteem is also related to children's feelings of
belonging to a group and being able to adequately
function in their group. When toddlers become
preschoolers, for example, they are expected to
control their impulses and adopt the rules of the
family and community in which they are growing.
Successfully adjusting to these groups helps to
strengthen feelings of belonging to them.
One point to make is that young children are unlikely
to have their self-esteem strengthened from excessive
praise or flattery. On the contrary, it may raise some
doubts in children; many children can see through
flattery and may even dismiss an adult who heaps on
praise as a poor source of support--one who is not
very believable.
The following points may be helpful in strengthening
and supporting a healthy sense of self-esteem in your
child:
As they grow, children become increasingly sensitive
to the evaluations of their peers. You and your
child's teachers can help your child learn to build
healthy relationships with his or her peers.
When children develop stronger ties with their peers
in school or around the neighborhood, they may begin
to evaluate themselves differently from the way they
were taught at home. You can help your child by being
clear about your own values and keeping the lines of
communication open about experiences outside the home.
Children do not acquire self-esteem at once nor do
they always feel good about themselves in every
situation. A child may feel self-confident and
accepted at home but not around the neighborhood or in
a preschool class. Furthermore, as children interact
with their peers or learn to function in school or
some other place, they may feel accepted and liked one
moment and feel different the next. You can help in
these instances by reassuring your child that you
support and accept him or her even while others do
not.
A child's sense of self-worth is more likely to deepen
when adults respond to the child's interests and
efforts with appreciation rather than just praise. For
example, if your child shows interest in something you
are doing, you might include the child in the
activity. Or if the child shows interest in an animal
in the garden, you might help the child find more
information about it. In this way, you respond
positively to your child's interest by treating it
seriously. Flattery and praise, on the contrary,
distract children from the topics they are interested
in. Children may develop a habit of showing interest
in a topic just to receive flattery.
Young children are more likely to benefit from tasks
and activities that offer a real challenge than from
those that are merely frivolous or fun. For example,
you can involve your child in chores around the house,
such as preparing meals or caring for pets, that
stretch his or her abilities and give your child a
sense of accomplishment.
Self-esteem is most likely to be fostered when
children are esteemed by the adults who are important
to them. To esteem children means to treat them
respectfully, ask their views and opinions, take their
views and opinions seriously, and give them meaningful
and realistic feedback.
You can help your child develop and maintain healthy
self-esteem by helping him or her cope with defeats,
rather than emphasizing constant successes and
triumphs. During times of disappointment or crisis,
your child's weakened self-esteem can be strengthened
when you let the child know that your love and support
remain unchanged. When the crisis has passed, you can
help your child reflect on what went wrong. The next
time a crisis occurs, your child can use the knowledge
gained from overcoming past difficulties to help cope
with a new crisis. A child's sense of self-worth and
self-confidence is not likely to deepen when adults
deny that life has its ups and downs.
By Lilian Katz
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